


dirk strangler x reader

by THEPOONNOODLE



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Crack, Other, Porn With Plot, a seagull gets shoved up your ass, you're also a troll
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-23
Updated: 2020-07-23
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:28:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25458562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/THEPOONNOODLE/pseuds/THEPOONNOODLE
Summary: You confess to your crush, Dirk Strider.
Relationships: Dirk Strider/Reader
Comments: 2
Kudos: 9





	dirk strangler x reader

So you decided to visit your dear friend, Dirk Strider but not the one you died with, oh no you all got your little pussies fucked by the biggest douche in the universe, lord english.

That isn’t the point though, the point is you had a big hot piping crush on a certain self loathing cool guy, the guy you're visiting, how? Shenanigans, that's how.

You spot dirks strange human “apartment” over a vast ocean, you fly over to that shit, doing a flip as you land on the roof and some stupid squawkbeasts squawk and scurry the fuck away.

You remember that past dirk hasn’t even met you yet so you prepare the most sick nasty “hey i’m from the future and we all died” speech, you lightly smack your cheeks and descend down the stairs.

⇒ enter apartment

As you enter you immediately see a collage of greasy-horsebeast BALLS on a giant flat screen that looks like a demented powerpoint presentation along with puppets and swords scattered carelessly around the place.

“Damn I’ve never seen this many piles of useless crap in one place before, christ where could he even get this crap? He’s in the middle of the damn ocean?” You ramble to yourself.

Snapping you out of your ramble-thon you hear water running, you wonder how he even gets clean water considering where he lives, after your little brain tangent you hear the water stop, shit, remember the speech.

All your confidence is shattered in an instant as he walks out of his bathroom stark naked, woah mama, what is that thing? Wait right he’s naked and doesn’t know you!

He stares at you, somehow still straight faced, classic.

“UH, HEYYYYY got a weird non tentabulge there… sorry for staring at your massive thing?”

“thanks?”

He starts casually looking around the room for something to hide his dingle, you finally take the fucking social que to turn the fuck around but in a flash he’s already dressed, huh.

You figure you should explain yourself.

“Ok now that I don't have to Stare at it and make it more awkward? Hopefully… ok, I uh met you before yes? And well um now i'm dead and so are you but not my dead Dirk? You're a different one and died before we met so I'm in the future and a different timeline…?”

Wow, that was terrible, that wasn’t even sick or nasty.

“huh, ok so like friends?” He responds

You feel your bloodpusher sink all the way down to your ass with a faint “pang.”

“Uh yeah friends… that is exactly what we were just normal buddy buddy friends, nothing more ahahah.”

“well that's cool i guess.”

You stand there awkwardly as he walks over to his computer and starts pestering one of his human friends, you rub your arm nervously, you just got friendzoned and the cold shoulder, jeez…

⇒ fuck, fix it

“You know… I actually had a crush on your doomed timeline self, I actually just came here to confess that finally because I-”

You’re cut off by dirk getting up out of his swivel chair, still straight faced, he turns around to look at you, you continue.

“UH sorry if like I fucked up your conversation- god I’m such an idiot, I haven’t even told you my name and-”

You were so caught up in your rambling you didn’t even notice his bitchass waddling up to you to put his hand on your cheek.

“I-”

He cuts you off with a lil smooch smooch, hell yeaaaaaah. You feel his lips curve up into a smirk, you don’t even get the chance to kiss back before you get roughly shoved on that shitty carpeted floor.

“-(Y/N), (Y/N) (L/N)” is all you say to his sudden advance.

Before you can even think to SPEAK, you are flipped on all fours like some kind of barkbeast.

“Woah woah HEY, what is this shit?” you breathlessly speak out.

“get fucked.” He states.

“W-”

You are so very RUDELY cut off again by him cutting off your pants, you accept that you two are gonna have the epic sex and you clench your cheeks in anticipation.

But, dirk had other plans, you hear a faint squawk, uh oh.

⇒ fuck, go back

Can’t abscond bro, you feel the cold beak slowly enter your tight little boy pussy, you spin your head around and give him a panicked, wtf look, he gives you a straight face.

Oh god, you can FEEL it breathing in there, or well trying, dirk gives the poor creature a squeeze before twisting it, you have THE BIGGEST frown on your face, but you don’t even try to stop him all you can do is ENDURE.

“WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?” You cry helplessly.

“getting the glutes ready.” He simply responds.

You clench harder against the squawkbeast lodged firmly in your poon hole, you turn your head around and- you see it- no you see HIM, lil cal is watching, and he fucking giggles at your absolutely pitiful form.

Dirk finally takes the squawkbeast out of your stinky backdoor, thank fucking christ, he stands up and goes over to his window and lets the, now soiled creature, leave the premises, to which it promptly and wonkily flies out.

You stare at Dirk with wild eyes, eyes filled with horror and wonder, you watch, still bent over, as he casually struts his tight ass back to his computer continuing his conversation with a smirk on his face.

⇒ leave IMMEDIATELY

You pick up the scraps of your tattered god pants, give him one last look, and reach for the door handle, you dumb fucking cretin, you fucking fool absolute fucking buffoon, you bumbling idiot, why did you do this?

“well, you got what you wanted right?”  
.  
.  
.  
E N D

**Author's Note:**

> Me and two other chums decided to sit our wiggly-asses down and write this for your viewing pleasure, you're welcome.


End file.
